Kelly and I had words the afternoon that the two pigs had arrived. Strong words. Angry words. I was exhausted both mentally and physically but above all I felt that the situation was out of control.
I had gone to great lengths to prepare for two small pigs. I felt comfortable and confident in my preparations. The arrival of two MUCH larger pigs didn’t just trouble me it nearly sent me over the edge. There have been a few times that I have felt truly panic stricken and they’ve nearly all been when I’ve been on stage. They are the moments when all confidence in yourself and your abilities disappears and the primeval fight or flight impulse overwhelmingly commands you to get the heck out. That afternoon the world seemed to be collapsing on me, these pigs were not what I was expecting, they were not what I had catered for and I didn’t have any belief that I was capable of their care. My insecurities and fear meant that I lashed out at Kelly. She was the one who had agreed to take them on, she was the one who had checked the pictures and the measurements. She was the one who was responsible.
Effectively I had a meltdown. To date this is the only time I have done so in taking in animals. I felt so out of my depth that I couldn’t breathe.
‘Ok, ok,’ Kelly said holding back tears, ‘I’ll sort it, I’ll speak to the sanctuary, I’ll sort it out.’ And then quietly, ‘I’m sorry.’ She paused before turning away from me, then turned and looked me straight in the eye, ‘look, it will be fine, we’ll send them back, they said if it didn’t work out they would take them back. I’ll sort it I promise, just don’t put anything up on Facebook about them arriving.’
I gave a half nod, turned, entered the bungalow and went into the kitchen and put the kettle on. In the direst of situations a cup of tea can be the antidote to all woes. I sat down and waited for the water to boil and started to think. Before the kettle clicked off I had already calmed down somewhat, the ensuing cup of tea then just cleared my head and my manic brain was manic no more. I drained the cup and went down to see our new residents.
‘Hello boys,’ I called out, ‘What do you think of your new home?’ I knew of course that the new home that we had created wasn’t suitable for these two, the arc alone was totally impractical, the opening wouldn’t have catered for one of their heads let alone their two bodies, but it was spring and we could rearrange the fencing so that they had access to the field shelter that was used by the goats, this was a large thirteen foot by thirteen foot, tarpaulin covered ‘barn’. And the paddock itself wouldn’t be too hard to enlarge, all I would have to do is stretch the fencing out somewhat – more work, but it was attainable. I was already feeling much more positive and more like my usual self which essentially is a ‘can do’ person.
I climbed over the wire to get up close and personal.
‘Right fellas,’ I started, ‘we got off to a bad start, but we’ll make up for it now.’
The two pigs raised their heads nonchalantly at my arrival and grunted gently as if acknowledging my words, then stuck their heads back down into the grass where Kelly had scattered pig nuts and quartered apples.
I walked slowly towards them and stretched out my hand to the nearest. They were pretty much identical – as per their original photographs, the difference being that one had a fully black snout (Midnight it would turn out to be), the other had a pink and black one (Merlin). My hand was edging towards Merlin, then I lowered it to his shoulder and patted him. His head raised a fraction, he grunted, then continued his eating completely unfazed. Then I bent my knees, lowering my face to his. He stopped again to look at me. His eyes were gentle, forgiving and intelligent. Momentarily he assessed me, then continued his exploration of the ground. I patted him more confidently and he grunted in acceptance. Then suddenly I felt a force on my back and I stumbled slightly forward, off my feet and onto my knees. I looked round and Midnight was there. He nudged me gently again as I lay semi-prone on the ground as if prompting me for the same attention that I had given his brother. I didn’t feel in the slightest bit in danger.
‘Hello fella, you want some attention too do you? Here you go then.’ I raised myself and moved closer patting and stroking him as I did so.
For the next half hour or so we got to know each other. We talked (well I talked, they grunted) and in the simplest terms we hung out. They were beautiful creatures. Gentle, intelligent and accepting of me for all my failings to make a proper introduction from the outset. They posed for photos as if we were all old mates and rolled over to have their bellies rubbed, any fears or concerns that I had had, disappeared never to return.
My head back to normal I left the two boys to settle into their new space and meandered back to the house. As I pushed open the front door I could hear Kelly’s raised and irate voice on the telephone.
‘What do you mean they were old photographs? You told me they were recent photos.’ Someone was getting an earbashing. There was the briefest of silences where she clearly was listening, then her tirade began once more.
‘Well that’s just not good enough, I made it absolutely clear that we could only take small pigs and you faithfully promised me that that’s what you were sending. And what about those measurements you gave me, they’re nowhere near correct.’
A pause for an answer. And then an explosion.
‘Not very good with a tape measure? You’re not very good with a tape measure? What are you, some sort of imbecile?’
A longer pause with quite possibly a faint sob from the other end. Then a murmured tone.
‘Well, we’ll talk about it and get back to you, but you have let us down here and I think you have let your pigs down. I’ll call you in the morning.’ Kelly hung up.
I moved past her quietly and popped the kettle on.
‘Bloody idiots,’ Kelly started. ‘Apparently the photos they sent me were a little old and she claimed that she was never very good at measurements so guessed them. But don’t worry, they’ve agreed to take them back and send us another couple that they have which are definitely a smaller breed. I’m calling them tomorrow to sort everything out.’
The kettle clicked off.
‘It’s fine,’ I started, ‘we’ll cope, I just got phased, we’ll keep them.’
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea,’ Kelly started to reply.
‘Honestly, it’s fine, they’re here now, it’s not their fault, we’ll sort it.’
‘Well, I’m not convinced,’ she said frowning, ‘you were really on one, we’ll sleep on it and decide in the morning.’
‘I know, I’m sorry, it just knocked me, but it’s fine, I’ve been down with them, they’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.’
She gave me an unconvinced look. ‘I asked the woman about these being bought as micro pigs and she said that they had and the lady that had bought them clearly loved and doted on them and treated them as her babies but they hadn’t stopped growing.’
‘Well that’s clear’ I interjected sarcastically.
‘Yes, well they kept growing and when they completely trashed her flat she realised that she couldn’t keep them any longer.’
‘Her flat?’ I exploded.
‘Yes, apparently this woman felt that it would be perfectly alright to keep pigs in a flat in Birmingham.’
‘Bloody idiot’
‘Yes, that’s what I said. Anyway, that’s their story, but we don’t have to worry, make sure you don’t put anything up online and we can decide in the morning.’
‘They’re fine,’ I said, ‘we’ll keep them.’
‘Hmmmm, well we’ll see, just don’t put anything up online.’
I barely grunted a response and finished my tea, there was a BBC Wildlife magazine on the table so I picked it up and started flicking through it.
The time dissolved as I finished one article after another and then got stuck into the crossword which I have never succeeded in finishing without googling an answer or three. I could have been alone at the kitchen table for an hour for all I knew, lost in my own little quiet world. The peace and tranquillity of my world was unceremoniously destroyed by a high pitched outburst from the other end of the house. This was followed by the stomping of slippered feet and the arrival of an infuriated face. A phone was thrust into my face.
‘What’s this? I thought we agreed not to put anything up online just in case the pigs were going back.’ Kelly had discovered the post I had put up on Facebook of our new boys.
‘Hmmm, well, I told you we’d keep them.’ I answered.
‘You’re unbelievable,’ she responded, ‘one minute you’re having a meltdown because they’re so big, the next you’re actually cuddling up to them and taking selfies.’
‘Well they are very friendly,’ I smiled, knowing that charm was my only defence, ‘and they do like belly rubs.’
She smacked me across the back of the head. And not lightly.
