Chapter Eight – Pigs vs Man

I heard them before I saw them. A deep guttural snuffle of a snort. It wasn’t dark in the horse box as there was plenty of light coming through the windows, but it took me a moment or two to get my bearings, which in such a small space was surprising. Then I saw the originators of the snorts. In one bodily mass two creatures were stirring. Clearly they had been comfortably and deeply asleep until the door had opened and a stranger had entered. Now I had disturbed them and they were coming to life. The mass raised itself and parted, so what had been one undefined dark shape became two very piglike shapes. My knees began to wobble and I felt my legs turn to jelly.

‘You ok in there darling?’ Kelly’s voice called out.

My mouth had dried and my head was reeling. Panic was taking over every sinew in my body.

‘Fine,’ I muttered, probably so quietly it was inaudible outside of the box.

These were not two, up-to-your-knees cute pigs. These were two savage looking beasts with wild red eyes that were snorting out steam from their nostrils and growling at me with open mouths that showed off their mighty foot long tusks.

I desperately wanted to flee.

I noticed a glint of sunlight enter the box with me as the door opened slightly at my side. A Cheshire Cat grin appeared.

‘You already mate? What do you reckon? Do you think you’d be able to carry them? Or do you want to chase them down to their field? Or, I don’t know, what do you think about a pony halter and rope?’

The bastard was enjoying every second.

I backed to the door and stepped outside.

‘Everything ok darling?’ Kelly asked again.

‘Yes, yes fine,’ I said trying to be as nonchalant about the situation as I possibly could. ‘They’re just a bit bigger than what I was expecting that’s all. Think we will need those ropes, but forget the halters I’ll try and make a lead out of the ropes.’ I was battling against every natural instinct to scream and run down our drive away from these terrible monsters, to sound calm, collected, in control of the situation and totally unphased. Essentially I was determined not to let this bastard think that I couldn’t handle these two enormous beasts.

‘Really?’ Kelly questioned, ‘how much bigger?’

‘Oh just a little, not a problem, it will be fine, but probably best to have ropes around their necks. Oh and a bucket of food will probably come in handy.’

Kelly’s face was a mask of confusion, but she stepped into the garage and grabbed the pony rope that was hanging on the door and then proceeded to put two scoops of pigs nuts into a bucket.

‘Great, now if you can just stay in front of me and the pig when I come out and tease it with the bucket we’ll lead him down to his new paddock, then I’ll come and get the other.’ I said taking the rope from Kelly in a voice that I hoped sounded loud, confident and assertive enough to wipe the stupid grin off the bastard that had brought these demons to us. I then stepped back to the horsebox and opened the door, looking as I did so straight into the eyes of my tormentor.

‘Thanks mate, I think I’ve got this now, I’ll take them out the back one by one, so if you can sort that out that would be great.’

‘No worries mate,’ he replied, ‘good luck.’ His bloody grin was still stuck to his face.

I stepped through the gates of hell and closed the door behind me.

For a moment or two, out of the box, away from the boars, a little courage and self-belief had kept me vertical. Back inside I was once again gripped with terror and self-doubt. How the hell was I going to get these ropes round their heads and stay alive at the same time?

The two giants were now at the back of the horsebox, one large mass lying together and seemingly fast asleep as their snores were rocking the container. It didn’t ease my nerves to know that they were unconscious.

I crept slowly towards them, my arms outstretched holding the rope which I had fashioned into a form of lasso. I wasn’t sure if their snores or my heartbeat were the loudest, whichever it was I felt the noise was deafening.

Step by careful step. In reality they were no more than five feet away from me, but the distance felt both excruciatingly far and dangerously close, a step was a half foot forward, sometimes a quarter foot, sometimes just a big toe. Then I was at the mass, a gelatinous mound of exhaling pork. I picked a head, the one which looked marginally meeker than the other and slowly, carefully lowered the rope towards it.

All of a sudden an eye shot open and looked straight at me. Then it looked at the rope and then at me again. Realisation immediately dawned in the animal’s brain and he was on his feet emitting an ear piercing squeal.

Startled beyond reckoning I fell backwards and was on my backside with my life cascading in front of me. The pig squealed again and I felt its great bodily mass brush past me. I started to push myself back up and got as far as being on my haunches, I raised my head and found myself level with a great black and pink snout. The snout snorted and I was immediately encased in an oily film of pig snot.

‘You ok in there darling?’ Kelly called again from outside.

I remained silent not wanting to goad the monster.

‘Darling? You ok? Do you need some help?’

The pig snorted again and once more I felt a shower of mucus cover my face.

Then something snapped in me, and suddenly I wasn’t afraid. This was war, a challenge had been thrown at me and I was not going to be beaten by a pig. I got to my feet slowly and surely never once taking my eyes of the eyes of my porcine antagoniser.

‘Right sunshine,’ I said, ‘We’re going for a walk.’ I leapt at the massive beast trying to loop some of the rope over any part of its head. Immediately the pig squealed and darted to where the other pig was incredibly, still snoring. Clearly a foot went astray as another, different pitched, agony riddled squeal filled the air and the other pig was on its feet and growling and snorting and cursing at its companion.

‘Darling?’ Kelly’s tone seemed slightly worried.

I saw my opportunity and as the siblings bickered I lunged at the nearest head with caution to the wind. It wasn’t a clean catch, half of the loop was at the back of the head, the other half was in the pig’s mouth. He squealed but it was a strangled complaint. I managed to pull the rope out but only as far as one of the terrible tusks. The rope caught and I yanked and his face was looking straight at me. His eyes were wide with fear and confusion, and in that moment it all changed. Suddenly it wasn’t a beast. Suddenly it wasn’t a terror and a tormentor. Suddenly I was the tormentor and I saw it clearly. I flicked the rope upwards and off the tusk which now didn’t seem half as long or as dangerous as it had done seconds before.

‘Easy boy,’ I said quietly, ‘easy, it’s ok, nothing to worry about here.’ I backed away from him. From both of them and sat down.

‘You ok darling? You’re taking a long time.’ Kelly again chimed out.

‘I’m fine,’ I spoke outwardly but not loudly, ‘I’ll be out soon, don’t worry.’

Then facing the pigs I spoke to them. ‘Right boys, here we are, we’re going to be friends one way or the other, who’s coming first?’

They seemed to react to my calmer tones and snuffled at each other as if in consultation. I got up. I prepared my rope and walked slowly, confidently and quietly towards them. They barely moved. Their eyes were on me, assessing my movements and my intentions but they were calm, intelligently taking stock of the situation. I leant forward and touched the shoulders of the nearest. His skin was dry and flaky and now I could see that neither had much hair over them. To my surprise the pig didn’t flinch to my touch. I patted him gently. He moved slightly as if favouring my attention. I patted him a little heavier and he gave out a gentle, welcoming snort.

‘Right fella,’ I spoke to him, ‘let’s do this shall we?’

I stroked his great cranium, brushing over his ears, then with the other hand showed him the rope. He flinched slightly, but I cooed encouragingly at him.

‘Come on big boy, we can do this.’ I was trying to convince myself as much as I was him.

Slowly, in full view of his eyes, I brought the rope towards him. I opened the loop and gently, carefully circled it over his massive face taking great care to miss his mouth and tusks. I did so, then slowly pulled the loop in. He grumbled as he felt it tighten, but he remained relaxed.

I banged on the side of the box.

‘Ok, open the back up, but carefully.’ Then, quieter, ‘come on fella, let’s go.’ I tugged him gently towards the back. I felt him stiffen and resist my movements. His face looked at me. His great, human-like eyes looked into mine and I saw and sensed intelligence and a complete lack of aggression. Then light pierced into our space and the pig saw his escape. Before I knew what was happening he was racing past me and towards the daylight. I gripped the rope as tightly as I was able, swinging my left hand to join my right in a doublehanded grip. The slack rope became taut and as the pig hit the exterior ramp I felt my feet leave the floor of the box. For the briefest of moments I was airborne. Then I wasn’t. Then I was again. Bouncing out of the box and onto the tarmac of our drive. The pig stopped suddenly as he came face to face with Kelly and a bucket of pig nuts and my face, already so abused, came into close contact with his bulbous testicles. He grunted with surprise then sank his head into the bucket of feed.

‘Oh well done darling,’ Kelly said not even attempting to hide a laugh, ‘he’s a big boy isn’t he! Shall I take him from here?’ She questioned with the irritating level of confidence and sang froid that she so often emits. She grabbed the rope out of my hands and jiggling the bucket just in front of the pig’s snout started to effortlessly lead him down into his new paddock.

‘You alright mate?’ the cocky bastard with his fixed half grin asked as he picked me up from the ground with one hand. ‘Shall I get the other one?’

‘I’m fine,’ I growled and brushed a rich selection of straw, grit and pig excrement from my jacket and jeans. I turned back towards the horsebox just in time to see the inquisitive eyes of the other pig looking down at me. In the same moment we saw the situation and in the same moment we reacted. I ran to stop his escape, he ran to escape. He won.

In the months and years since, much of the sanctuary has been professionally fenced and paddocked. At that point in our evolution there was a lot of open space into which a fleeing, fleet-footed pig could run. And he duly did.

Years ago, when I was younger, fitter and considerably lighter I ran (trotted really, well, actually more like staggered) the London Marathon on two occasions. Age and a penchant for cakes has duly had an effect on the athleticism of my body. So, catching a racing pig was not the easiest of tasks, nor was it the most painless. With my chest heaving in agonised pain as lactic acid and a distinct lack of oxygen attacked my body I chased after the guffawing (I was convinced he was guffawing) pig. I spread my arms out in some half-hearted vain attempt to limit his field of options urging him not to take the direction that he did. At each turn he ignored my pleas and commands. Round the aviaries we chased. Into the garage. Out of the garage. Between the greenhouses. Round the pond about five times. I’m sure it was all jolly hockeysticks to him and of great amusement to the bastard and his partner who had brought the pigs to us. To me it was just yet more torture.

And then the torture doubled.

‘What on earth are you doing?’ Kelly had appeared back from the paddock, bucket in hand looking relaxed but quizzical.

I tried to reply but words wouldn’t sound between my gasps.

‘Come on piggy, come to mummy,’ she called out cheerfully shaking her bucket of bloody food. ‘Come on, come and see your brother.’

I tried again to speak but I was as close to death as I had ever been.

I looked at the pig who had now ceased his galloping around with a new voice and a bucket of food entering the arena. He looked at me, then he looked at Kelly and looked at the bucket. She shook the bucket again, made sure she had his attention and then in one movement pivoted and started walking back to the new pig paddock.

I have never disliked her as much as I did in that moment, for as she turned and started walking down the path that damn pig obediently trotted towards her and duly followed her without so much as a hint of mischief.

‘There, that wasn’t so hard was it.’ Kelly said smilingly as she came back up the path.

I’m not a violent man, but I could easily have murdered her in that moment in the most gruesome of manners.

‘Big boys though aren’t they. I didn’t expect them to be that big.’ She added.